Origin I Player Ratings

New South Wales

1. James Thedisco: had a solid 20 minutes in a game that goes for 80. Came up with a try assist when he figured out he could pass the ball, but promptly forgot. Along with Mitchell is costly with his “I want to be the hero” mentality of never looking for support. Dropped more pill than Michael J Fox at a bathroom cabinet, giving Qld the game. Managed to shift the blame to Cody Walker. 3/10


2. Nick Coptic: did himself a mischief the one time he held the ball. Acted like a witch’s hat for Oates to run around. Useless. 1/10


3. Latrine Mitchell: an experienced match-loser, Mitchell brought his trademark defensive errors and bellicose insanity to the next level. His club level defensive errors of flying out of the line and leaving holes everywhere were perfectly exploited by actual good center Chambers. His defence was so awful he got sinbinned (which should have been a try given the Boyd Cordner precedent last year) yet somehow managed to somehow shift the blame to Cody Walker. Latrell Mitchell is the Avengers: Endgame of rugby league players - he has rave reviews but he’s actually terrible. -10,000,000/10


4. Josh Old Man Morris: a solid game from the veteran, keeping his head while all around him were losing theirs. Scored a try and marked his man. I don’t like him but I can’t argue with his performance. 5/10


5.Josh Hadouken: a poor game from someone used to good or better. 4/10


6. Cody I’m Surrounded By Assholes Walker: alongside Cook was the only Blues player who ever looked like breaking the line, so naturally the team was coached to never give him the ball. Put Mitchell in the clear so he could butcher a try, made the break that ended in Wheel of Fortune’s try. Some truly great kicks to pin Qld on their own line in the first half. Why the best attacking player in the NRL was taken off the field and replaced with a muppet still has me dumbfounded. NSW went down 12 points without him and scored 6 when he came back on. Supercoach Fittler spent 2 interchanges on losing the lead and the game. 6/10


7. Nathan Wonderchin Cleary: not fit to shine Adam Reynolds’ boots. If you pick the halfback from a team of hopeless bottom feeders this is what you get. Poor running game, even worse kicking game. Exemplified when, with the game on the line in the last second, he put a kick in to nobody in particular which Ponga gleefully watched roll into the ninth row. Will be there in game 2 at the expense of competent players, continuing a decades long Blues tradition of picking absolute fuckhats because they play for a “glamour” club or their dad vomited in your backpack on Mad Monday. Managed to shift the blame to Cody Walker. 0/10


8. David Harambe Klemmer: the only Blues prop to actually do his fucking job. Not all that well mind you, but competently. It’s not a high bar. 6/10


9. Damien Errol Cook: sheer brilliance. He spells his name incorrectly, so only 9 out of 10. 9/10


10. Paul Children of Men Vaughn: critics are legitimately raving at his 12 runs for 101 meters. Which means that, on average, he doesn’t even reach the advantage line, let alone breach it. Put a shot on Kalyn Ponga and came off second best. The colostomy bag of the NSW Blues. 1/10


11. Boyd Corridor Cordner: not even the best backrower at the Roosters. Slow, stupid, unable to move laterally. Operates entirely in a 5m corridor on the left side of the field. Automation will hit him hard, as his role could be replaced by a short velvet rope. The only threat to Qld is if a player accidentally falls past the event horizon of his chin and gets sucked into a tesseract. 1/10.


12. Tyson Basement Frizell: played with a lot of aggression for someone with a ruptured testicle. Unfortunately this manifested with missed tackles and dumb penalties. A lot like the Senate ballot, gets a higher rating than he deserves based on the other lunatics around him. 4/10


13. Jake Wheel of Fortune Alphabet: Yeah he went alright. 7/10


14. Jack Campbell Graham Wighton: Brought on for “impact” which he certainly provided, turning a two point lead into a ten point deficit. A few defensive errors, a charged down kick and an intercept later and Qld lead the series 1-0. Superidiot Fittler calls this “a brilliant job”. I'm not even making that quote up, he actually said that about the guy that blew the game. Made his mark in an epic implosion usually only seen by the Prince of Wingers. -10/10


15. Payne I Stole All Of Jake Trbojevic’s Vowels Haas: He’s a lot like Jebus. A lot of people sing his praises but nobody has ever seen him actually do anything. 2/10


16. Cameron Murray: is a deadset fucking magician and I’d suck his dick if he asked me to. 10/10


17. Angus High Four Crichton: I try to be inclusive and not discriminate based on disabilities, but rugby league is a ten fingered man’s game. Offered nothing for Souths, offers nothing at the Roosters and offers nothing for NSW. Naturally this makes him Fittler’s first man picked. He gets one point for (presumably) cutting his own hair, which must be hard with his condition. 1/10


Queensland


1. Kalyn Ping Ponga: I very reluctantly admit this guy is something special. 9/10


2. Corey Uncle Toby Oates: Didn’t do much, but wasn’t asked to do much. Par for the course for Oates. Missed one of his trademark impossible putdowns, but made up for it later. May or may not have noticed the presence of Nick Cotric on his way to the line. 7/10


3. Michael Stan Morgan: for a center he makes a great half/hooker. 5/10


4. Will Chambers: one of the game’s best centers for a long time now. Made Mitchell look stupid, but then Mitchell manages that all on his own. I won’t let that detract from a top notch performance though. 8/10


5. Dane Lady Gagai: he’s not bad for the Bunnies, he’s quite good. But in Origin he’s a superstar. He is the exact opposite of Campbell Graham, which is the highest praise I can give a player. 10/10


6. Cameron Eddie Munster: a lunatic. Sometimes he’s bad, sometimes he’s brilliant, mostly a bit of everything in the same game. Not as much treading on Rooster’s heads as I’d like to see, but an otherwise outstanding game. 9/10


7. Daily Cherry Cola: obviously injured and carried by the rest of the team, still had a few deft touches. I hate this guy with a passion but I respect talent when I see it. 7/10


8. Jai Broken Arrow: a quiet game by his standards. Brought his Titans form instead of his Maroons form. Everyone is allowed a bad one I guess. 5/10


9. Ben You Misspelled Hunt: you know that nightmare where you have a test that you haven’t studied for and you go to school in your underwear? Ben Hunt lives it. 3/10


10. Josh Big Papa Pump Papalii: The Hulk of the Qld Avengers. Like the Hulk he starts strong, as in Joss Whedon's Avengers, then gets progressively less effective as he goes on, such as Endgame Hulk "dabbing" for sight gags in a pale, mocking shadow of what he used to be. 7/10


11. Felise Teddy Pendergrass Kaufusi: The backrower everyone wants at their club. A master of the one percenters. 9/10


12. Matt Safety Dance Gillett: didn’t do anything good. Didn’t do anything bad. Quiet by his standards, which would put him at the top of the NSW forwards. 5/10


13. Josh Erik The Red McGuire: chock full of the angry pills and loaded for bear. Limited minutes, but he made them count. Close to my man of the match. Leaves Garth Brennan scratching his head. 9/10


14. Moses Hanson Mbye: I honestly forgot he was playing. 1/10


15. Joe Scrabble Board Ofahengaue: only in the team as a part of a Maroons and Brisbane Broncos contractual agreement. 3/10


16. Dylan Sex Tape Napa: Jake Busey’s porn stand-in and occasional footballer Dylan Napa had a reasonable game. My tolerance of him has improved since he left the Roosters. Should have grounded the ball for a try, but then the Bunker should have awarded him the try for grounding it with the night tool, his weapon of choice. So it all evens out. 6/10


17. David Fajita: Easily the worst of Queensland’s forwards, which ranks him above most of the Blues. Made about as much of a splash on debut as Matthew Mitchum. 3/10

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