“G’day, Elizabeth, Mick Fanning’s mum. We’re here at the Gold Coast down at Broadbeach and yeah, fair dinkum, we should be supporting Australian businesses, so great to have the Rip Curl hat.”
And with that quote, we have everything we need to know about Scott "ScoMo" Morrison, the night watchman of Australian Prime Ministers.
I've gone into depth previously about just how much of an evil turd he is, so rather than rehash that argument - and though if anything he's an even more evil turd now - I thought I'd illustrate something that's been on my mind lately.
Cast your mind back to Australia in roughly 1981. Paul Hogan is at the height of his powers as the king of Australian comedy. His "lovable larrikin" persona of the dense but well-meaning bogan has captured the hearts of Australia and in a short space of time would conquer the world with the aberrantly successful Crocodile Dundee films.
If you'd asked an average Aussie back then to imagine what a "Hoges" sketch where he becomes the Prime Minister would look like you would get a disturbingly accurate description of Scott Morrison - the dense bogan who is actually the Prime Minister.
(It was also roughly around this time that the NSW police - with their public champion Roger "The Dodger" Rogerson - informed the NSW Government that they should deny Donald Trump property rights for a Sydney Trump Tower due to his connections to the mafia. Everyone really dropped the ball in the last couple of years.)
I can't parody Scott Morrison because the man is such an effective parody of himself.
His dumb political stunts. His overuse of the vernacular of the "common man" that an actual blue collar punter would never use. His idiot grin as he commits casual atrocities on a daily basis. He's an embarrassment. Scott Morrison is what a real Prime Minister might describe as "a shiver looking for a spine to run up".
No one says this you contemptuous toad.
What about the time he brought some coal into parliament to show who owns him? When we're all eating each other to survive on the Fury Road, just remember that Scotty thought climate change was fucking hilarious. "MY BLOOD IS COAL! WITNESS ME!"
His love of the east coast everyman's game of choice - Rugby League. My feelings on the Sharks aside, after he released this photo the Sharks have been unable to find a major sponsor. Surely a coincidence.
Here's his Sharks Premiership commemorative coffee table book. Right next to the trophy he made up for himself for his UN condemned human rights abuses.
Well at least they aren't onions.
If I were writing a political satire, a la The Onion, this is the kind of headline I'd brainstorm. Comedy is dead everyone.
Scott Morrison. In a hat that was supposed to endear him to the common man, gifted to him by a major company. Next to a bus with his face on it that toured the country to endear him to voters. That he didn't ride on. He caught a private plane. If you haven't seen the interview about this then give it a squiz, you'll see why political satire is obsolete.
Define the Coalition: talking up their economic credentials despite all evidence being to the contrary, baseless fear-mongering, a terrible attempt at a joke, and a basic spelling mistake. All in less than 240 characters. At least he's more efficient in his idiocy than, say, Billy McMahon.
Does the "ScoMo" know how to sign his own name? Let's take a look at his signature over the last three years:
That's right. He's actually signing his name as "ScoMo" now. This is not a drill.
At this point it behooves me to mention that "ScoMo" is a nickname that he himself invented. That isn't how nicknames work. You can't nickname yourself. You earn a nickname, usually through doing something regrettable. I'd love to know what Scott's actual nickname is. I'm sure his old alma mater has some interesting ones for him, given that he was banned from going back.
And finally, there's this:
If you were to travel back in time to the 80's. To the audience for a Paul Hogan show. If you asked them to imagine what a Paul Hogan piss-take of the Prime Minister of Australia would look like, do you think they'd come up with that?
The election is early next year. You know what to do. But if we want this dipshit out of parliament it's up to the people of the electorate of Cook to vote him out. We'll I'm sure they're rational people, they'll be reasonable.