South Sydney Rabbitohs preliminary final player ratings

  1. Adam Doueihi - 5 For a fullback he's a really good centre. A solid defender, great footwork, good ball skills - he could have been a really good option in the vacant centre position. At fullback his lack of positional sense was crucial as he was constantly found out. Once a kick goes above eye height he suddenly doesn't have a clue.

  2. Alex Johnston - 6 Souths looked more dangerous when he was shifted to fullback, his preferred position, when Doueihi was off the field for an HIA. Easily the best winger at the club, he could have had a field day with a fractionally competent centre inside him. Instead, he had the best seat in the house as Kamikaze Graham nose-dived another campaign into the prow of the SS 22nd Premiership.

  3. Campbell Graham - Muppet Sheet. Shotgun. That's it. The worst player in the history of the sport, perhaps any sport. Lacking in any redeeming features whatsoever. Refused to pass to an unmarked Alex Johnston for what would have guaranteed the opening try of the game. Compounded that fuckup by passing off the ground just to make sure things went as poorly as possible. Then, unsatisfied with that effort, gave away a dumb penalty to make sure the Raiders enjoyed the bulk of possession for the rest of the half. Seems to lack a knowledge of the rules or even a basic understanding of the sport he plays. An absolute colostomy bag of a human, an imposter, not even fit for 3rd-grade league. Needs to be fired immediately. Actually someone needs to invent time travel so he can be fired before 2017. Did he score a try against a 12 man team who stopped trying because the game was wrapped up, after everyone else did all the lead-up work? What a champion. I cannot express the sheer fury this dipshit evokes in me. I hate him with every fibre of my being.

  4. Dane Gagai - 8 Along with Reynolds, was the only player in the side who actually looked like he wanted to win. Souths most dangerous player (for Souths, Graham is the most dangerous player for all the wrong reasons).

  5. (19) Corey Allan - 7 The club's second-best fullback. Never gets to play there. As ever, he demonstrated remarkable competence and showed that Bennett is an absolute lunatic for not picking him for the entire season. Suffered from a very unfortunate set of events to lead to the opening try, attempting to defuse something that wasn't his problem to begin with. He'll go to another club in the near future and he'll be a superstar and Souths will wonder why.

  6. Cody Walker - 7 Was nearly back to his best. Nearly. He's still an absolute speedbump in defence, only this week people couldn't blame Gagai for his inability to tackle. Still hasn't reigned in his rampant fuckwittery which costs Souths every week. You'd think this would be a coaching issue, but the GOAT Bennett can do no wrong, it's everyone else's fault.

  7. Adam Reynolds - 9 Once again, as he is every week, the best player in red and green. Every goddamn week he drags the team, kicking and screaming, into something resembling a competent football outfit. Sure he kicked one out on the full, after an absolute hospital pass from Cook. Otherwise, he did everything himself. The sight of Reynolds taking an intercept off his own line and racing downfield with nobody in support is the best visual analogy for Souths' 2019 season.

  8. (12) Sam Burgess - 4 Busted his guts out, because that's who he is. Should never have been put in the side due to a shoulder which is held together with, I assume, Clag. Hopefully an off-season will allow him time to heal because Bennett sure as shit won't.

  9. Damien Cook - 2 Saved the worst game of his career for the worst possible time. If there was a possible wrong option, he took it. Couldn't have played worse if he tried. Hospital passes, dumb kicks, running one way then stopping then running again then repeating the whole fucking square dance. Stop reading your own press. Against a team famous for their ability to strip the ball he spent the whole game dangling the pill out in front of him like a nervous flower girl and got punished for it. Should be forced to walk back to Sydney.

  10. Liam Knight - 4 Had a decent game by his standards. By that I mean he didn't drop the ball 18 times. That's how low my opinion of Liam Knight is.

  11. John Sutton - 9 Had an absolute belter of a game. An Adam Reynolds-esque level of looking around, sighing and saying "fine, I'll do it myself". The last game of his career, Sutts didn't deserve to go out like that. The rest of those clowns should be very ashamed of themselves.

  12. Ethan Lowe - 6 Can someone call the Maroons and tell them we need Ethan Lowe back? He hasn't shown up since Origin 3 and we miss him.

  13. Cameron Murray - 5 Ricky Stuart's game plan was to send so much work Murray's way that he couldn't perform his usual heroics. It worked. Bennett's counterplay was...I'm still trying to figure out if he had one.

  14. (8) Tom Burgess - 5 Wasn't bad. Wasn't great. A very tradesman-like performance from Tom. Unfortunately, that still puts him in the top 10% of players in the side.

  15. Tevita Tatola - 7 Had a solid game and did what was asked of him. Got within a millimetre of scoring the try that probably would have sealed the game, making him neck and neck with Reyno for the "painful metaphor for this embarrassing band of dickheads" award.

  16. (17) Mark Nicholls - 7 Tackled hard. Ran harder. Did what a prop should. Also only played for 15 minutes. One can only imagine what might have happened if he played a few more. Perhaps some kind of trophy being held in the air next Sunday? Bennett, you're a fucking moron. Have I mentioned that?

  17. (20) Dean Britt - 8 Like Nicholls, had a really strong game. So strong that I wonder why he spent the majority of the year in reserve grade. Ah, yes, because the coach is a fuckwit. Of course. As is Souths policy for people who play well and aren't dipshits, he's been allowed to sign with the Bulldogs for next year.

Coach: Wayne Bennett

You absolute stain of a human. The game passed you by over a decade ago but you persist with believing you're in any way relevant. You should be forced to hand over every accolade you've ever received to Craig Bellamy, who is everything you pretend to be and more. The only way Souths will be free of this window-licker is with some kind of exorcism.