The Annual Damo Awards For Film

Well once again the Oscars are done with and once again the Academy got it all wrong. Not only did they pick the wrong films, they picked the wrong categories as well. So with that in mind I present the "Damos" for outstanding achievement in the field of film-making.

  • Best Film By Virtue Of Appealing Directly To My Personal Niche Tastes: The Predator (A film about Predators - plural - featuring Olivia Munn, with appearances by Jake Busey and Thomas Jane, with a strong pro-autism message, written and directed by Shane Black? The only way this could have been targeted more directly at me specifically would be to have Barry Pepper in it.)

  • Most Fun: Deadpool 2

  • The Alfie Langer Award For Surprise Comeback: Split between Jake Busey and Thomas Jane.

  • Bonus Point For Having Jeremy Renner In It: Tag

  • Points Deducted For Not Having Jeremy Renner: Avengers: No Jeremy Renner/Mission Impossible: Jeremy Rennerless

  • RUOK Award For Obvious Cry For Help: Wes Anderson, Isle Of Dogs

  • Is Superhunk Tom Hardy Enough To Save A Shit Film?: No, Venom.

  • Film That Definitely Never Happened And Was Just A Bad Dream: Pacific Rim: Uprising

  • The Return Of The King Award For At Least 30 Minutes That Should Have Been Cut: Avengers: Infinity War

  • Best Film With Josh Brolin And Benicio Del Toro Sharing A Scene: Sicario: Day Of The Soldado (I still don't really care for Infinity War)

  • Best Line: Deadpool ripping on Jared Kushner

  • Worst Moment That Made Me Want To Burn The World To The Ground: Han Solo got his name from a fucking travel agent.

  • Film That Was Actually Pretty Boring But No One Will Admit It: Black Panther

  • Film I Pretended Was Artistic So I Could See Jennifer Lawrence's Tits: Red Sparrow

  • Caught Copying Someone's Homework Award For Beat For Beat Ripoff Of Another Film: Aquaman (Black Panther)

  • Apparently Not Caught Copying Someone's Homework Award For Beat For Beat Ripoff Of Another Film: Green Book (Driving Miss Daisy)

  • Best Alex Garland Hard Sci-fi Exploring The Human Condition Since The Last Alex Garland Hard Sci-fi Exploring The Human Condition: Annihilation

  • Sign A Former Star Recently Either Divorced Or Had A Child: Johnny English Strikes Again

  • Biggest Flex Of A-List Muscle To Make A Self-Indulgent, Masturbatory Passion Project: Bradley Cooper, A Star Is Born

  • The Holy Shit Did The Academy Actually Get It Right For Once Award? Rami Malek, Best Actor, Bohemian Rhapsody

  • Worst Performance By A Good Actor: Michael B Jordan, Black Panther

  • That's What You Get For Shitting On A Classic Award: Ocean's 8

  • Director Most Relieved That Rian Johnson Exists: Colin Trevorrow

  • Biggest Steaming Pile Of Shit That Made Me Want To Gouge My Eyes Out: Solo: A Star Wars Sodomy

  • In Memorium - Concepts I Liked That Died Last Year: Pacific Rim, Jurassic Park, Transformers, Ocean's 11, Venom, Joss Whedon's style of Marvel films, Star Wars - again...

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