The Annual Totally Arbitrary Awards: 2020 Edition

So 2020 is finally run and done. How'd we all go? For me, 2020 was one of the best years I can remember - everyone was brought down to my level and I beat them with experience. What, 2020 was the worst for you? Welcome to my every year, here's a tiny violin.


But a year isn't officially over until it gets a full cut and colour from Damo's Totally Arbitrary Awards of the year. I have to admit, this year had a particularly strong field, and in a certain sense, everyone is a winner. But in another, more accurate sense, everyone is a loser.


So away we go:


*Denotes a new category


Person Of The Year

Rudy Guiliani


The Lazarus With A Triple Bypass Award For Saving A Franchise

The Mandalorian (second year running - Rise of Skywalker was fucking horrible, so Favreau had to step in again with a bigger defibrillator)


The Double Tap Award For Killing A Franchise After Resuscitation

New Mutants


The Todd Carney Memorial Award For Most Innovative Use Of Urine

The United States, while crying poor during a pandemic, found $4.5m to spend on spraying alcoholic rats with bobcat urine


The Rian Johnson Memorial Award For Most Awful Use Of Bathos

The Trump Administration


The Rian Johnson Golden Skidmark For Fucking Up So Badly It Must Be Intentional

Four Seasons Landscape Gardening


Movie You All Forgot Existed

Tenet


Best Actual Filmmaker Doing Something Awesome

I'm just going to rename this after Favreau


Best TV Binge

The Mandalorian can’t win everything. The Queen’s Gambit.


Worst Thing To Happen All Year

Campbell Graham signing a four-year contract extension


Second Worst Thing To Happen All Year

Bob Dylan released a new song. He may have contracted covid, who'd notice?


Third Worst Thing To Happen All Year*

It went for 17 minutes. You pretentious fucking dilettante


The Hero We Needed

Of all people...Borat


Biggest Sign We're Living In An Alternate Reality

Rudy Guiliani was caught in a honeypot by Borat, appeared at a press conference at the Four Seasons... landscape gardening store between a crematorium and a sex shop. At which he did not announce Trump's very obvious election loss but ranted about the deep state and long-dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. Then he went and lost over 50 cases in various courts, one of the two cases he did win was later overturned, then did a reenactment of a scene from My Cousin Vinny in lieu of presenting a case, forgot the opposing counsel's name and profession, and then finally - he actually, physically melted in a courtroom, leaked a black fluid from his head like he was being directed by Luc Besson, and then knowingly spread a pathogenic disease - AND HE’S STILL THE PRESIDENT’S LAWYER


Second Biggest Sign We're Living In An Alternate Reality*

The President is taking legal advice from Randy Quaid, the crazy cousin from Christmas Vacation and the guy who flew the plane into the spaceship in Independence Day


Biggest Sign We're Living In The Darkest Timeline*

Murder Hornets was in the news for less than 12 hours


Weirdest Thing To Try To Explain About The Future If You Travelled Back In Time*

Bleach products now carry a warning saying they are not to be ingested despite what the President of the United States recommends.


Worst Pun I'm Secretly Proud Of

Josh Friesnburg


Best Out Of Work C-Grade Celebrity Who Can’t Hide Their Joy At Actually Having A Gig

Katee Sackhoff


Best Rambling Speech About Innocence That Only A Guilty Person Would Say

Donald Trump. Pick one. (If you think this goes to Trump every year, last year's recipient was Prince Andrew)


Best Moment

60-8, with five tries to Alex Johnston


Best Headline

“Chinese Ambassador Compares Abetz To Goebbels” - y’see it’s funny because he was referring to Eric Abetz, the Australian politician with a lot of Nazi ideas and not Otto Abetz, his great uncle, who happened to be the Nazi ruler of occupied France


Most Out Of Touch With Reality Dickwad

Andrew “Twiggy” Fuckwit


The Dave Warner Memorial Award For Biggest Swing And A Miss

Gal Gadot - Imagine


The Miley Cyrus Memorial Award For "She Just Bein' Miley"

Josh Friesnburg miscounting to the tune of $60 billion


The Harold Holt Award For Prime Minister In Absentia

Scott “I’ll Call A Quarantine After Hillsong and Footy” Morrison


Worst Burns

Braidon. Runner up: Joe


Best Nickname

NoVaxx Djokovic


Second Best Nickname

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Orange Painted Mussolini


The Black Panther Memorial Award For 'Meh'

I’m retiring this category because it’s only fun when the joke is that the person isn’t dead


The Charles Lindbergh Iron Cross For Correctly Identifying A Nazi Before Being Outed As A Nazi*

Pete Evans


The Ramin Djawadi Memorial Award For Best Soundtrack

Pacific Rim by Ramin Djawadi, ft Tom Morello (sixth year running guys!)

Alright, fine: Hades - Darren Korb


"Biggest" “Star” Whose Agent Must Be More Powerful Than Thanos

Campbell Graham


The Karma Is A Bitch Award

Clint Gutherson


Best Most Probably An Escape To Argentina Disguised As A Suicide Since 1945

Ghislaine Maxwell

(note to self: delete before uploading if not true yet)

(second note to self: keep it handy though)


Stop Trying To Make Guillermo del Toro Things Without Guillermo del Toro

(sadly this is an annual award)

Blade

(I know it’s still in production, but GdT has never been topped, stop trying)


Strangest Thing I Discovered In 2020*

Post Malone is not a Sacha Baron Cohen character and in fact not a parody in any way


Best Video Game

Hades


Best Film/TV

Combined category due to covid - The Queen’s Gambit


Best Enema

1600 Pennsylvania Ave


The Dwayne Johnson Memorial Award For Person Who Most Needs To Be Told It’s Alright To Turn Down A Script From Time To Time

Ryan Reynolds


Person Who Probably Can't Afford To Turn Down A Script

Vin Diesel


The Golden Gaslight For It's Not Us, It's You

US Police Forces stating publicly and unironically that police brutality will continue until the protests against police brutality cease


Political Lunatic Who Tried Really Hard But Just Couldn't Penetrate

Michael O’Brien


Best Premier*

Daniel Andrews


Worst Premier*

Gladys Binchicklian


The "You Always Were An Asshole, Gorman" Award For Crippling Lack Of Leadership Resulting In Large Scale Casualties*

Gladys Binchicklian


The Clark Kent Award For Disappearing When Trouble Appears

Scotty From Marketing


Most Rambling, Incoherent Nonsense Thing That Scott Morrison Said

A typically rich field, but this stood out:

"Not everyone has to get on the bus for the bus to leave the station. But it is important the bus leaves the station, and we all agree on that. Even when, on occasions, some might not want to get on, they know we need to keep moving forward.”


The Vasco De Gama Golden Pathogen For Most Devastating Plague Ship*

Ruby Princess/Brad Hazzard

The Michael Richards Memorial Award For Misreading The Room

Michael O’Brien at any of his attempts to shame Dan Andrews


The “Stop, He’s Already Dead” Golden Medic Alert Bracelet For Someone Who Really Needs To Stop Incriminating Their Client

This would have been the fourth year in a row for Rudy Guiliani, so henceforth it is the Rudy Guiliani memorial award. Runner Up: Sidney Powell


Biggest AAA Release We’ve Already Forgotten Exists

Predator: Hunting Grounds


Biggest Indicator Of Just How Long A Year This Was

Sports Rorts was in January. Remember that? The pork-barrelling, blatant corruption, the funnelling of money into LNP and marginal electorates? Remember? The Deputy Leader of the Nationals was forced to resign? Anyone remember? Anyone?


Biggest Unintentional Suicide Note

Sidney Powell - The Kraken


The Kathleen Kennedy Memorial Award For Killing Something I Love

CD Projekt Red


Biggest Game Built Entirely Around A Single Scene From A Zack Snyder Film

Ghost of Tsushima

(I'm genuinely surprised I can keep awarding this)


Worst Misread Of The Source Material

Andrew Constance calling privatisation the “silver bullet” for restoring the economy, evidently unaware that a silver bullet is used to kill things that are usually unkillable


Word Of The Year

Boomerdoomer


Biggest Event You Forgot Even Happened

Angus Taylor attacked Clover Moore in parliament with documents that were later revealed to have been entirely fictional and possibly forged


I Don't Even Know Where To Start...

Usually, I narrow this down to one or two incidents but...2020


Most Heartwarming Moment

Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty was falsely accused of assault, only to be exonerated through video evidence, and the trending hashtags #freegritty and #grittywasframed


Best Re-Enactment Of A Simpsons Sketch

Rudy Guiliani as Lionel Hutz


The Michael Bay Memorial Award for Fuck You For Shitting On My Childhood

There were no real standouts this year, so I’m reaching - I was never into Hanson, but I know people who were/are. Well anyway, the drummer from Hanson turned out to be an alt-right internet hate merchant


The Denis Villeneuve Memorial Award For Thank You For Not Shitting On My Childhood

I was hoping to give this to Denis for Dune, but thanks to the covid delay - Jon Favreau


The Barnaby Joyce Memorial Award For Rodeo Clown Dragged Out To Distract From Actual Issues

Scott Morrison doing ballet, Scott Morrison building a chicken coop, Scott Morrison just generally being a cunt


Funniest Unintentional Comedy

Four Seasons Total Landscaping


Unfunniest Intentional Comedy

The 30 Rock Reunion...ad...thingy...


The Craig McLachlan "What The Fuck Were You Thinking You Idiot" Memorial Trophy

It technically didn’t happen in 2020, but it came out this year: Australian war hero Ben Roberts-Smith drinking beer out of the prosthetic leg of a Taliban soldier he’d killed


The Campbell Graham Memorial Award For Most Well-Intentioned Failure But Still An Abject Failure

The 30 Rock...whatever the fuck you’d call it


Time It Took Me To Realise That Those Were Real Shows And Not Jokes Created By The 30 Rock Writers*

4 days


Most Horrible Mental Image I Still Can’t Scrub From My Brain

Gladys Binchicklian doing the bone dance with Daryl Maguire


Is There Still An ICAC Investigation Into Gladys?*

Yes


Biggest Cunt We Have To Pretend Was Beloved By Everyone Because They Just Died

Dean Jones


The Christopher Lee Trophy For Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

Former Republican Presidential Nominee Herman Cain continues to tweet anti-coronavirus propaganda. Months after he died. Of coronavirus. Which he contracted at a Trump rally that went ahead not only despite, but in spite of medical advice that it would spread coronavirus.


The Donald Drumpf Memorial Award For Biggest Twitter Meltdown

I hate to give it to the eponym, but you can’t beat the sitting POTUS having his tweets pulled for inciting violence


Worst Human

Donald Trump pardoning war criminals and people who embezzled funds on his behalf


Remember That Time Tim Smith Said He Was “Unsure” About Funds Being Funnelled Into His Electorate Even Though There’s A Photo Of Him Handing A Local Soccer Team An Oversized Novelty Cheque With His Name, Signature, And Parliamentary Seal On It?*

I do


Vie Victis

The GOP


Most Unexpected Celebrity Death

Chadwick Boseman


Most Expected Celebrity Death

Diego Maradona


Fuck It, There Are Heaps To Get Through, Vale All

Max von Sydow

James Lipton

Kenny Rogers - knew when to fold 'em

Christopher Tolkien

Freeman Dyson

Tim Brooke-Taylor - we had a great chat once where he was delighted that I had no idea who he was

Brian Dennehy - patron saint of character actors

Jerry Stiller - Festivus wasn't the same

Fred Willard - I got a real red wagon

Carl Reiner - I saw you before you got up this morning

Charlie Daniels - last seen heading to hell

Kelly Preston - the beard was shaved

Diana Rigg

Ruth Bader Ginsberg

Eddie van Halen

Little Richard

Chuck Yaeger - I don't know how he made it this far honestly


At Least We've Still Got Bowie

Dave Jory


Harshest Obituary*

Joel Schumacher - come on, the dude made The Lost Boys, stop hitting him with Batman Forever


How Were You Not Dead Already?

Roy Horn - ze tiger!


Number Of Cast Members Of The Empire Strikes Back To Become One With The Force This Year*

Three:

David Prowse - Darth Vader

Jeremy Bulloch - Boba Fett

Alan Harris - Bossk


Weirdest Coincidence*

SNL Jeopardy! parody favourites Sean Connery and Alex Trebek dying within days of each other


The Alien vs Predator Award For "Whoever Wins We Lose"

Barry Hall vs Mark Hunt quote unquote "boxing"


Largest Differential In Co-Stars Eye Widths*

Anya Taylor Joy and Harry Melling - The Queen’s Gambit


Worst Movie Of All Time

Still The Last Jedi


Never Forget

Engadine Maccas

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