The Annual Totally Arbitrary Awards: 2020 Edition
So 2020 is finally run and done. How'd we all go? For me, 2020 was one of the best years I can remember - everyone was brought down to my level and I beat them with experience. What, 2020 was the worst for you? Welcome to my every year, here's a tiny violin.
But a year isn't officially over until it gets a full cut and colour from Damo's Totally Arbitrary Awards of the year. I have to admit, this year had a particularly strong field, and in a certain sense, everyone is a winner. But in another, more accurate sense, everyone is a loser.
So away we go:
*Denotes a new category
Person Of The Year
Rudy Guiliani
The Lazarus With A Triple Bypass Award For Saving A Franchise
The Mandalorian (second year running - Rise of Skywalker was fucking horrible, so Favreau had to step in again with a bigger defibrillator)
The Double Tap Award For Killing A Franchise After Resuscitation
New Mutants
The Todd Carney Memorial Award For Most Innovative Use Of Urine
The United States, while crying poor during a pandemic, found $4.5m to spend on spraying alcoholic rats with bobcat urine
The Rian Johnson Memorial Award For Most Awful Use Of Bathos
The Trump Administration
The Rian Johnson Golden Skidmark For Fucking Up So Badly It Must Be Intentional
Four Seasons Landscape Gardening
Movie You All Forgot Existed
Tenet
Best Actual Filmmaker Doing Something Awesome
I'm just going to rename this after Favreau
Best TV Binge
The Mandalorian can’t win everything. The Queen’s Gambit.
Worst Thing To Happen All Year
Campbell Graham signing a four-year contract extension
Second Worst Thing To Happen All Year
Bob Dylan released a new song. He may have contracted covid, who'd notice?
Third Worst Thing To Happen All Year*
It went for 17 minutes. You pretentious fucking dilettante
The Hero We Needed
Of all people...Borat
Biggest Sign We're Living In An Alternate Reality
Rudy Guiliani was caught in a honeypot by Borat, appeared at a press conference at the Four Seasons... landscape gardening store between a crematorium and a sex shop. At which he did not announce Trump's very obvious election loss but ranted about the deep state and long-dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. Then he went and lost over 50 cases in various courts, one of the two cases he did win was later overturned, then did a reenactment of a scene from My Cousin Vinny in lieu of presenting a case, forgot the opposing counsel's name and profession, and then finally - he actually, physically melted in a courtroom, leaked a black fluid from his head like he was being directed by Luc Besson, and then knowingly spread a pathogenic disease - AND HE’S STILL THE PRESIDENT’S LAWYER
Second Biggest Sign We're Living In An Alternate Reality*
The President is taking legal advice from Randy Quaid, the crazy cousin from Christmas Vacation and the guy who flew the plane into the spaceship in Independence Day
Biggest Sign We're Living In The Darkest Timeline*
Murder Hornets was in the news for less than 12 hours
Weirdest Thing To Try To Explain About The Future If You Travelled Back In Time*
Bleach products now carry a warning saying they are not to be ingested despite what the President of the United States recommends.
Worst Pun I'm Secretly Proud Of
Josh Friesnburg
Best Out Of Work C-Grade Celebrity Who Can’t Hide Their Joy At Actually Having A Gig
Katee Sackhoff
Best Rambling Speech About Innocence That Only A Guilty Person Would Say
Donald Trump. Pick one. (If you think this goes to Trump every year, last year's recipient was Prince Andrew)
Best Moment
60-8, with five tries to Alex Johnston
Best Headline
“Chinese Ambassador Compares Abetz To Goebbels” - y’see it’s funny because he was referring to Eric Abetz, the Australian politician with a lot of Nazi ideas and not Otto Abetz, his great uncle, who happened to be the Nazi ruler of occupied France
Most Out Of Touch With Reality Dickwad
Andrew “Twiggy” Fuckwit
The Dave Warner Memorial Award For Biggest Swing And A Miss
Gal Gadot - Imagine
The Miley Cyrus Memorial Award For "She Just Bein' Miley"
Josh Friesnburg miscounting to the tune of $60 billion
The Harold Holt Award For Prime Minister In Absentia
Scott “I’ll Call A Quarantine After Hillsong and Footy” Morrison
Worst Burns
Braidon. Runner up: Joe
Best Nickname
NoVaxx Djokovic
Second Best Nickname
Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Orange Painted Mussolini
The Black Panther Memorial Award For 'Meh'
I’m retiring this category because it’s only fun when the joke is that the person isn’t dead
The Charles Lindbergh Iron Cross For Correctly Identifying A Nazi Before Being Outed As A Nazi*
Pete Evans
The Ramin Djawadi Memorial Award For Best Soundtrack
Pacific Rim by Ramin Djawadi, ft Tom Morello (sixth year running guys!)
Alright, fine: Hades - Darren Korb
"Biggest" “Star” Whose Agent Must Be More Powerful Than Thanos
Campbell Graham
The Karma Is A Bitch Award
Clint Gutherson
Best Most Probably An Escape To Argentina Disguised As A Suicide Since 1945
Ghislaine Maxwell
(note to self: delete before uploading if not true yet)
(second note to self: keep it handy though)
Stop Trying To Make Guillermo del Toro Things Without Guillermo del Toro
(sadly this is an annual award)
Blade
(I know it’s still in production, but GdT has never been topped, stop trying)
Strangest Thing I Discovered In 2020*
Post Malone is not a Sacha Baron Cohen character and in fact not a parody in any way
Best Video Game
Hades
Best Film/TV
Combined category due to covid - The Queen’s Gambit
Best Enema
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
The Dwayne Johnson Memorial Award For Person Who Most Needs To Be Told It’s Alright To Turn Down A Script From Time To Time
Ryan Reynolds
Person Who Probably Can't Afford To Turn Down A Script
Vin Diesel
The Golden Gaslight For It's Not Us, It's You
US Police Forces stating publicly and unironically that police brutality will continue until the protests against police brutality cease
Political Lunatic Who Tried Really Hard But Just Couldn't Penetrate
Michael O’Brien
Best Premier*
Daniel Andrews
Worst Premier*
Gladys Binchicklian
The "You Always Were An Asshole, Gorman" Award For Crippling Lack Of Leadership Resulting In Large Scale Casualties*
Gladys Binchicklian
The Clark Kent Award For Disappearing When Trouble Appears
Scotty From Marketing
Most Rambling, Incoherent Nonsense Thing That Scott Morrison Said
A typically rich field, but this stood out:
"Not everyone has to get on the bus for the bus to leave the station. But it is important the bus leaves the station, and we all agree on that. Even when, on occasions, some might not want to get on, they know we need to keep moving forward.”
The Vasco De Gama Golden Pathogen For Most Devastating Plague Ship*
Ruby Princess/Brad Hazzard
The Michael Richards Memorial Award For Misreading The Room
Michael O’Brien at any of his attempts to shame Dan Andrews
The “Stop, He’s Already Dead” Golden Medic Alert Bracelet For Someone Who Really Needs To Stop Incriminating Their Client
This would have been the fourth year in a row for Rudy Guiliani, so henceforth it is the Rudy Guiliani memorial award. Runner Up: Sidney Powell
Biggest AAA Release We’ve Already Forgotten Exists
Predator: Hunting Grounds
Biggest Indicator Of Just How Long A Year This Was
Sports Rorts was in January. Remember that? The pork-barrelling, blatant corruption, the funnelling of money into LNP and marginal electorates? Remember? The Deputy Leader of the Nationals was forced to resign? Anyone remember? Anyone?
Biggest Unintentional Suicide Note
Sidney Powell - The Kraken
The Kathleen Kennedy Memorial Award For Killing Something I Love
CD Projekt Red
Biggest Game Built Entirely Around A Single Scene From A Zack Snyder Film
Ghost of Tsushima
(I'm genuinely surprised I can keep awarding this)
Worst Misread Of The Source Material
Andrew Constance calling privatisation the “silver bullet” for restoring the economy, evidently unaware that a silver bullet is used to kill things that are usually unkillable
Word Of The Year
Boomerdoomer
Biggest Event You Forgot Even Happened
Angus Taylor attacked Clover Moore in parliament with documents that were later revealed to have been entirely fictional and possibly forged
I Don't Even Know Where To Start...
Usually, I narrow this down to one or two incidents but...2020
Most Heartwarming Moment
Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty was falsely accused of assault, only to be exonerated through video evidence, and the trending hashtags #freegritty and #grittywasframed
Best Re-Enactment Of A Simpsons Sketch
Rudy Guiliani as Lionel Hutz
The Michael Bay Memorial Award for Fuck You For Shitting On My Childhood
There were no real standouts this year, so I’m reaching - I was never into Hanson, but I know people who were/are. Well anyway, the drummer from Hanson turned out to be an alt-right internet hate merchant
The Denis Villeneuve Memorial Award For Thank You For Not Shitting On My Childhood
I was hoping to give this to Denis for Dune, but thanks to the covid delay - Jon Favreau
The Barnaby Joyce Memorial Award For Rodeo Clown Dragged Out To Distract From Actual Issues
Scott Morrison doing ballet, Scott Morrison building a chicken coop, Scott Morrison just generally being a cunt
Funniest Unintentional Comedy
Four Seasons Total Landscaping
Unfunniest Intentional Comedy
The 30 Rock Reunion...ad...thingy...
The Craig McLachlan "What The Fuck Were You Thinking You Idiot" Memorial Trophy
It technically didn’t happen in 2020, but it came out this year: Australian war hero Ben Roberts-Smith drinking beer out of the prosthetic leg of a Taliban soldier he’d killed
The Campbell Graham Memorial Award For Most Well-Intentioned Failure But Still An Abject Failure
The 30 Rock...whatever the fuck you’d call it
Time It Took Me To Realise That Those Were Real Shows And Not Jokes Created By The 30 Rock Writers*
4 days
Most Horrible Mental Image I Still Can’t Scrub From My Brain
Gladys Binchicklian doing the bone dance with Daryl Maguire
Is There Still An ICAC Investigation Into Gladys?*
Yes
Biggest Cunt We Have To Pretend Was Beloved By Everyone Because They Just Died
Dean Jones
The Christopher Lee Trophy For Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction
Former Republican Presidential Nominee Herman Cain continues to tweet anti-coronavirus propaganda. Months after he died. Of coronavirus. Which he contracted at a Trump rally that went ahead not only despite, but in spite of medical advice that it would spread coronavirus.
The Donald Drumpf Memorial Award For Biggest Twitter Meltdown
I hate to give it to the eponym, but you can’t beat the sitting POTUS having his tweets pulled for inciting violence
Worst Human
Donald Trump pardoning war criminals and people who embezzled funds on his behalf
Remember That Time Tim Smith Said He Was “Unsure” About Funds Being Funnelled Into His Electorate Even Though There’s A Photo Of Him Handing A Local Soccer Team An Oversized Novelty Cheque With His Name, Signature, And Parliamentary Seal On It?*
I do
Vie Victis
The GOP
Most Unexpected Celebrity Death
Chadwick Boseman
Most Expected Celebrity Death
Diego Maradona
Fuck It, There Are Heaps To Get Through, Vale All
Max von Sydow
James Lipton
Kenny Rogers - knew when to fold 'em
Christopher Tolkien
Freeman Dyson
Tim Brooke-Taylor - we had a great chat once where he was delighted that I had no idea who he was
Brian Dennehy - patron saint of character actors
Jerry Stiller - Festivus wasn't the same
Fred Willard - I got a real red wagon