The Totally Arbitrary Best Of Awards 2019



So it's another year over and a lot more dross to be excoriated. Good.

So with further adieu, here's another instalment of the John Bain Memorial Arbitrary Awards 2019CE Edition. In a sign of the downfall of civilisation, I've kept most of the novelty awards intact:


  1. Person Of The Year Egg Boy

  2. The Lazarus With A Triple Bypass Award For Saving A Franchise The Mandalorian

  3. The Double Tap Award For Killing That Same Franchise After Resuscitation The Rise Of Skywalker

  4. The Todd Carney Memorial Award For Most Innovative Use Of Urine Death Stranding

  5. The Rian Johnson Memorial Award For Most Awful Use Of Bathos Avengers: Endgame

  6. The Rian Johnson Memorial Award For Fucking Up So Badly It Must Be Intentional X-Men: Dark Phoenix

  7. Movie You All Forgot Existed X-Men Dark Phoenix

  8. Best Actual Filmmaker Doing Something Awesome Joint Winners: Jon Favreau, Dave Filoni, Taika Waititi

  9. Best TV Binge The Mandalorian

  10. Worst Thing To Happen All Year The Sydney Roosters win their 4th premiership

  11. The Hero We Needed Egg Boy

  12. Biggest Sign We're Living In An Alternate Reality Boris Johnson and Scott Morrison

  13. Worst Pun I'm Secretly Proud Of Bad Astra

  14. Best Out Of Work C-Grade Celebrity Who Can’t Hide Their Joy At Actually Having A Gig Bill Hader, IT: Chapter 2

  15. Best Rambling Speech About Innocence That Only A Guilty Person Would Say Prince Andrew

  16. Most Out Of Touch With Reality Dickwad Prince Andrew Runner up Rian Johnson for thinking he's welcome anywhere near The Mandalorian after Bob Iger excised him like a tumour

  17. The Dave Warner Memorial Award For Biggest Swing And A Miss SmoKo saying 'ni hao' to a Korean constituent

  18. The Miley Cyrus Memorial Award For "She Just Bein' Miley" Malcolm-Ieun:Roberts' The Living Soul mistaking Labour Day as a celebration of the Labor Party and wondering when One Nation will get one

  19. The Harold Holt Award For Prime Minister In Absentia SmoKo

  20. Best Nickname SmoKo

  21. Second Best Nickname "Nancy Pelosi, or 'Nancy' as I call her" Donald Drumpf

  22. The Black Panther Memorial Award For 'Meh' Spider-Man: Far From Good

  23. The Ramin Djawadi Memorial Award For Best Soundtrack Pacific Rim by Ramin Djawadi, ft Tom Morello (sixth year running guys!) Alright, fine, The Mandalorian - Ludwig Goransson

  24. "Biggest" “Star” Whose Agent Must Be More Powerful Than Thanos Sophie Turner

  25. The Karma Is A Bitch Award Bre Payton, prominent anti-vaxx lunatic, dies from H1N1 flu

  26. Fuck It, We Can Have More Than One George Pell

  27. Best Most Probably An Escape To Argentina Disguised As A Suicide Since 1945 Jeffrey Epstein

  28. Stop Trying To Make Guillermo del Toro Things Without Guillermo del Toro (sadly this is an annual award) Hellboy

  29. Best Thing I Discovered In 2019 Gloomhaven

  30. Wildest Ride Disco Elysium

  31. Mildest Ride Captain Marvel

  32. Best Video Game Disco Elysium

  33. Best Film No suitable entrant (I'm yet to see Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, maybe that, I hear good things)

  34. Best Enema Warringah

  35. Person Who Most Needs To Be Told It’s Alright To Turn Down A Script From Time To Time Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (2nd-year running)

  36. Person Who Probably Can't Turn Down A Script Jason Statham

  37. It's Not Us, It's You The Member for Goulburn, Pru Goward, tries to blame the drought on the Murray-Darling being bad at rivering

  38. Political Lunatic Who Tried Really Hard But Just Couldn't Penetrate 'Rowdy' Roddy Culleton

  39. The Michael Richards Memorial Award For Misreading The Room The LNP spruiker who saw me in a Souths' jumper and thought I'd be on board

  40. The “Stop, He’s Already Dead” Award For Someone Who Really Needs To Stop Incriminating Their Client Rudy Giuliani (after so many years at the top we should probably just rename the award after him)

  41. Biggest AAA Release We’ve Already Forgotten Exists Anthem

  42. Biggest Indicator Of Just How Long A Year This Was Egg Boy was in March.

  43. Biggest Unintentional Suicide Note Blizzard once again bowing to their Chinese Overlords

  44. The Kathleen Kennedy Memorial Award For Killing Something I Love Blizzard with Hearthstone

  45. Biggest Game Built Entirely Around A Single Scene From A Zack Snyder Film Sekiro: Shadows Dies Twice

  46. Worst Misread Of The Source Material South Sydney's press department referring to Campbell Graham as 'The Flying Scotsman', unaware that it is a steam train. Ironically accurate as Graham is slow, unable to get airborne and is only still in service due to sentimentality.

  47. Word Of The Year Hamberder

  48. Biggest Event You Forgot Even Happened Julian Assange was arrested, remember?

  49. I Don't Even Know Where To Start Bryce Cartwright refusing to vaccinate his baby, then forcing it to shit on the lawn because nappies are evil

  50. Most Heartwarming Moment Tony Abbott discovers a street library and faces a brief moment of introspection as he sees socialism making people happy in his own electorate

  51. Best Re-Enactment Of A Simpsons Sketch Paul Manaforte has a suit made of ostrich. Maybe had, I don't think they're allowed in prison. Runner up Barnaby Joyce literally yelling at clouds

  52. The Michael Bay Memorial Award for Fuck You For Shitting On My Childhood Kathleen Kennedy

  53. The Denis Villeneuve Memorial Award For Thank You For Not Shitting On My Childhood Jon Favreau

  54. The Barnaby Joice Memorial Award For Rodeo Clown Dragged Out To Distract From Actual Issues Barnaby Joyce

  55. Funniest Unintentional Comedy An actual neo-Nazi rally in Melbourne unironically using the "Fawlty Towers Hitler salute"

  56. The Craig McLachlan "What The Fuck Were You Thinking You Idiot" Memorial Trophy John Howard writing a glowing personal reference for convicted rock spider George Pell

  57. Most Well-Intentioned Failure But Still An Abject Failure Campbell Graham (to be renamed in his honour next year to allow another winner)

  58. Most Horrible Mental Image I Still Can’t Scrub From My Brain Shirtless SmoKo

  59. The Christopher Lee Trophy For Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction Zac Efron nearly dies while filming a show called "Killing Zac Efron"

  60. The Donald Drumpf Memorial Award For Biggest Twitter Meltdown Andrew Laming

  61. Worst Human SmoKo

  62. Remember That Time Scott Morrison Photoshopped His Shoes? I do

  63. Vie Victis Jordan Peterson "brought to tears by Twitter bullies"

  64. Largest Ever Case Of Buyer’s Remorse Quiet Australians

  65. Greatest, Most Fantastic Move. Well Done Angus Taylor

  66. Most Unexpected Celebrity Death Andrew "Greedy" Smith

  67. At Least We've Still Got Bowie Peter Mayhew

  68. The Alien vs Predator Award For "Whoever Wins We Lose" Barry Hall vs Paul Gallen quote unquote "boxing"

  69. Worst Movie Of All Time Still The Last Jedi

  70. Never Forget Engadine Maccas