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The Totally Arbitrary Best Of Awards of 2018


This was in the stock images section of my web provider, raising more questions than it answers

The Totally Arbitrary Best Of Awards of 2018


(In memory of John “Total Biscuit” Bain, who passed this year, and his Arbitrary Awards, both of which will be missed.) In no particular order, with no real basis of merit, the only real criteria being my personal whimsy:


  1. Best Out Of Work C-Grade Celebrity Who Can’t Hide Their Joy At Actually Having A Gig: Jake Busey in The Predator.

  2. Best Rambling Speech About Innocence That Only A Guilty Person Would Say: Donald Trump with this banger of a door stop: "It was during the early part of '16 and I guess even before that. It lasted a short period of time. I didn't do the project. I decided not to do the project. So I didn't do it. So we're not talking about doing a project, we're talking about not doing a project. We decided, I decided, ultimately not to do it. There would have been nothing wrong if I DID do it. If I did do it, there would have been nothing wrong. That was a project that we didn't do, I didn't do."

  3. Most Out Of Touch With Reality Dickwad: Rian Johnson Runner Up: Donald Trump

  4. Best Actual Filmmaker Doing Something Awesome: Guillermo del Toro and whatever he decides to do.

  5. Best TV Binge: Altered Carbon

  6. The Verne Troyer Memorial Award For "Packing More Heat" Than You'd Expect: James Purefoy in Altered Carbon

  7. The Icarus Award For Flying Too Close To The Sun And Falling: Avengers: Infinity War

  8. Biggest AAA Video Game That I’ll Never Play Because It Has Horses In It: Red Dead Redemption 2 Runner Up: Shadow of the Colossus

  9. Worst Thing To Happen All Year: The Sydney Roosters win their 3rd premiership

  10. The Meh Award For Being OK, Not Great: Black Panther Runner Up: Infinity War (it really wasn't all that, everyone be honest here)

  11. Movie That Probably Wasn't Made Specifically For Me: Black Panther

  12. Biggest Misuse Of A Metaphor: Australian Journalists referring to Malcolm Turnbull’s “Praetorian Guard”

  13. Best Soundtrack: Pacific Rim by Ramin Djawadi, ft Tom Morello (fifth year running guys!)

  14. "Biggest" “Star” Whose Agent Must Be More Powerful Than Thanos: Chris O’Dowd

  15. The Karma Is A Bitch Award: Paul Manafort

  16. Biggest Misread Of The Market: Fallout 76 Runner Up: Kathleen Kennedy

  17. Biggest Sign We’re Living In An Alternate Reality: A smart, rational and articulate porn star blowing the lid on the illegal activities of a bumbling, idiotic US President. It's like Watergate but with the actual Deep Throat.

  18. Best Actor Of Colour When Donald Glover Isn’t Available: Michael B Jordan. (I guarantee this joke, with no malice intended at all, will be the one that James Gunn's me one day)

  19. Wildest Ride: Deadpool 2

  20. Mildest Ride: Solo: A Star Wars Story

  21. Worst Sexy Sex Nickname: Andrew "James Bond" Broad

  22. Biggest Indicator Of Just How Long A Year This Was: The Ball Tampering Scandal was in March.

  23. Word Of The Year: Hyper Bowl! Runner Up: Au Pair

  24. Worst Word Of The Year: Dinkum

  25. The Angus MacGyver Award For Novel Use Of A Common Object: Michaelia Cash hiding behind a whiteboard

  26. Biggest Revelation Of The Year: Jesse Eisenberg and Andy Samberg are actually two different people.

  27. Second Biggest Revelation Of The Year: Andy Samberg exists and it wasn’t Jesse Eisenberg in Brooklyn 99

  28. Biggest Unintentional Suicide Note: The Diablo announcement at Blizzcon Runner Up: Fallout 76

  29. Biggest Game Built Entirely Around A Single Scene From A Zac Snyder Film: Assassin's Creed Odyssey

  30. Worst Misread Of The Source Material: Iron Fist Runner Up: Solo: A Star Wars Story

  31. Funniest Unintentional Comedy: Peter Dutton’s attempted coup. Runner Up: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom's brachiosaurus scene.

  32. The Rian Johnson Award For Shitting On Everyone's Childhoods: Solo: A Star Wars Story

  33. Thank You For Not Shitting On My Childhood: Denis Villeneuve

  34. Person Who Most Needs To Be Told It’s Alright To Turn Down A Script From Time To Time: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

  35. Overhyped But Actually Living Up To It: Spider-Man

  36. Biggest AAA Release We’ve Already Forgotten Exists: Detroit: Become Human

  37. Best Use Of A Flamingo Costume To Horribly Murder Someone: Hitman 2

  38. The “Stop, He’s Already Dead” Award For Someone Who Really Needs To Stop Incriminating Their Client: Rudy Giuliani

  39. The Craig McLachlan "What The Fuck Were You Thinking You Idiot" Trophy: Shane Flanagan

  40. Gender Transition No One Saw Coming: Barry O’Sullivan

  41. Most Well Intentioned Failure But Still An Abject Failure: Campbell Graham

  42. Most Horrible Mental Image I Still Can’t Scrub From My Brain: Barnaby Joyce’s affair and subsequent love bastard.

  43. The Christopher Lee Memorial Trophy For Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction: Sergei Skripal being poisoned with a nerve agent by KGB operatives in London.

  44. Biggest Non-Surprise: Vladimir Putin "wins" re-election

  45. Worst Human: Beating out some stiff competition, Rian Johnson

  46. Biggest Event You Forgot Even Happened: Apparently the Commonwealth Games were on

  47. Biggest Twitter Meltdown: Elon Musk (yeah you thought it would be Trump didn’t you?)

  48. Largest Ever Case Of Buyer’s Remorse: Brexit

  49. Most Unexpected Celebrity Death: Lance Thompson

  50. Worst Movie Of All Time: Still The Last Jedi

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